I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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