I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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