I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
