What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize