did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize