And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
