it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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