Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
