I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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