yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
