What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
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