getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Never let your siblings swipe right.
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