I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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