just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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