Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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