she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
