i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
