I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just had sex on a roof
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
