Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I want a musical about memes.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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