So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
