Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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