I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
