I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
