I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize