You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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