12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
