Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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