just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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