People in love make me want to vomit
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
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