Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
