ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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