If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
