***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
