so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
