I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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