dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize