i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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