They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
