Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
