i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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