I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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