If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
