...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
