So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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