dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
