11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize