your parents love me but you hate me
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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