my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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