my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
