Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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