Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
