Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize