I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
