I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize