Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
