I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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