Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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