i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
