it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
