he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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