Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Randomize
