Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
