i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I pour the whiskey from now on
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
