Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
