answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize