my mouth tastes like poor choices
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
