I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
