he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
