I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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