just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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